Feelings.

Hi,

I don't know how should I start. After all these years, I thought I was fine. Sometimes, I think that I'm having some sort of mental problem. Maybe I am??

You know, what would you feel when you were the one who replies to everyone text but when you were having questions, no one replies to you. Or, when you were talking, no one give you their respond? Oh well, I've faced it everyday.

I just don't know what to feel because its your own family. Like WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU RESPOND TO ME BUT YOU CAN RESPOND TO EVERYONE ELSE??? There were only 5 people je kot dalam tu. Sigh.. Am I invisible?

Tu satu hal. Satu hal lagi, benda dekat sini. Why do you need to treat me like I have no feelings at all? Obviously, you started it first. You were the one who said "Selsema je pun, bukannya lumpuh" Just because I asked you to order the drink. Okay.... It was my fault la kot. Mengada sangat kan. HUHU. Time tu, one knife just stab me. Sokay, my fault sebab mengada kan. So I said, takpelah. I can go and order the drink by myself and asked you nak air apa. You jawab air kosong... Okay....

Second, at the counter, I've asked you AGAIN. You came to me and I asked, tapi tak jawab. Tak dengar la kot. Then terus nak pergi ke meja. So I've shouted your name several times sebab well my voice maybe slow gila nak mati sampai selalu tak dengar. Fyi, ni bukan first time tak dengar. Setiap hari tak pernah dengar apa aku cakap, maybe suara aku slow sangat la kot. Then, you dengar pastu cakap taknak air. Bila ada orang duduk tempat tu, you've blamed me. Sebab takde tempat untuk duduk. Lagi sekali, salah aku la kot. Apa la aku ni bodoh sangat tanya dia banyak kali nak air apa. Terlebih concern pun salah. HUHU.

Then dekat meja, I just want to watch the turtle's video. Then you started give me orders "Tak payah tengok. Makan dulu" HUHU. WTH. Suara kau macam kau bagi ARAHAN and aku kena ikut. Look, please stop. And please stop merajuk benda bodoh. Aku cakap benda betul, "Kenapa nak cakap macam you berkuasa?" If I can record it, memang suara kau tu suara bagi arahan. HUHU. Dah banyak kali dah kot kau suka bagi arahan macam tu. Kalau aku tak ikut, mulalah kau cakap macam-macam.

Tolonglah. I do not like being controlled. Yes you are my boyfriend, but you're not my husband yet. Some things, yes betul tutup aurat pakai handsock bla bla. That stuff. THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking a really good care of me, Menitikberatkan benda yang aku tak jaga. But truthfully, you should not expect for me to change drastically. I am a human. I don't change in a blink of an eye, Okay, ada je yang berubah sekelip mata, but that is not me. Selalu nak marah benda benda macam ni. Aku terlupa, so.. Sorry. Kenapa tak boleh nak terima sampai kena marah-marah?

And I am sorry that my family is not as rich as yours. Betul, bill aku tinggi. Takde la tinggi sangat, naik rm13 daripada basic, which makes my mum angry at me. Tapi.. kau tak faham. Aku cakap, benda betul. Memang aku call kau je. And yes, 10 saat je bercakap sebab call kau untuk kejutkan kau. Kadang-Kadang tak bercakap pun, silent macam tu je then aku letak. Aku tunggu kau whatsapp tapi kau tak whatsapp aku, makes me call you again. 10 saat lagi. Aku tak bercakap sebab aku dalam kelas. Aku letak je phone dekat tepi then call kau. I was really concern about you and your class. Is that my fault? Salah aku ke sebab concern. Even 10 saat pun, bill akan kira 1 minute sebab minimum charge is 1 mins. So kiralah berapa banyak.

Aku bagitahu kau, pasal benda ni. Pastu tiba tiba kau marah marah pastu merajuk cakap tak perlu dah call, bla bla and bla. Kenapa kau susahkan sangat nak faham? Kenapa tak faham my mum has no money to pay? Kenapa tak faham.... Salah aku ke. Ke aku yang tersalah cakap. So sebab kau merajuk bagai, then I've told my mum, it's okay then. I will pay my own bill starting from now, Sebab aku taknak mama aku marah and aku taknak kau marah and merajuk. Sigh..

Can you see? Apa lagi yang aku tak buat? Apa lagi salah aku.. It hurts me so bad bila aku call kau tak jawab, Calling you continuously for 1 hour, taktahu la berapa puluh kali tapi kau tak jawab. Tapi bila aku cakap kau marah, Kau cakap aku bodoh, reti complain but has no solution. Okay.. Aku otak kosong. Aku pernah terfikir, apa nak buat lagi. Cara apa lagi. Aku malu setiap kali kena minta tolong orang untuk kejutkan kau. Aku malu nak kena whatsapp orang lain and susahkan orang lain. Aku malu sangat. What really make me feel really really sad is that I can call you sampai 50-60 kali but you call I 3 kali je and I tak angkat. You cakap "bye" then marah I. I terkejut sangat dengan you time tu. Macam I tanya you, berapa kali you call, you cakap 3. Then bila I cakap takkanlah 3 kali dah nak marah then kau start cakap aku ungkit. Aku tak ungkit, aku cuma fikir kenapa tak adil sangat, Kenapa 3 kali kau dah nak marah? Kenapa kau tk boleh buat macam aku buat dekat kau? Fyi, aku pernah rasa nak nangis sebab aku call and call and call kau tak jawab. Aku pernah nangis sebab aku buntu sangat. Aku taktahu nak buat apa sebab nak kejutkan kau. Aku sampai nangis sebab call kau. Ada kau fikir ke pasal aku? Aku pernah call kau guna whatsapp call konon-konon nak jimatlah. 10 kali tapi tak jawab. Then aku call guna phone, baru kau jawab. So macam mana aku nak jimat?

To be honest, this is not an issue. The issue is why can't you give and take? Kenapa aku boleh buat tapi kau tak boleh buat? Yes there are things that kau buat untuk aku, yang aku memang tak boleh buat untuk kau. Macam.. belikan makanan semua sebab aku takde kenderaan. Takkanlah aku nak naik bus semata-mata untuk beli makanan. Memang 3 jam tak balik-balik lagi.

There are just so many things that I've kept inside. Like when you laugh at my questions, it hurts me so bad because it shows like "Apalah bodoh sangat soalan ni"... Okay.... Sometimes, aku rasa diri aku bodoh sangat sangat, There are just so many things that I do not know. When I saw you with your friends, and you looked so much happier than you're with me :') It's okay. As long as you are happy. And you can have multiple of female friends, tapi aku tak boleh ada kawan lelaki. Sekarang, kau rapat gila dengan semua kawan perempuan kau. You act like you know them so damn much. "Dia memang macam tu" "Dah kenal dah dengan perangai dia" "Bukak je beg, ada dekat situ tisu" And so many more. Takpe kalau kawan kau tepuk tepuk kau sebab dia yang tepuk kau. Bukan kau yang buat. Okay aku terima,

But what I don't understand is that I don't do that tapi kau selalu marah aku dulu bila kawan dengan tom??? Tom tak buat apa yang kawan kau buat sekarang, tapi tu pun kau marah gila-gila. Kenapa kalau kau boleh? Sebab kau lelaki ke? And aku tak pernah pun cakap aku kenal tom sangat. Aku tak pernah describe tom macam mana. Tapi kau buat. And aku tak marah sebab I don't deserve to be angry right?

Maybe I live in a really small circle of friends, that I've only stick to a few people. I just don't get it when I've started to have friends, kau pun start jugak cakap aku melebih.. aku tu.. aku ni.. Maybe kau suka tengok aku takde kawan, so kau tak perlu nak liar mata and marah aku. HUHU. Oops judging?! Kenapa kau boleh ada kawan tapi aku takleh ada kawan..

AND WHY DO I HAVE SUCH A MISERABLE LIFE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT HAD I DONE WRONG? KENAPA SEMUA BENDA KENA SALAH AKU? KENAPA AKU BODOH? KENAPA AKU TAK PANDAI? KENAPA SEMUA NAK KENA SALAH AKU? KENAPA AKU KENA MINTA MAAF SETIAP HARI? KENAPA KAU TAK SEDAR KADANG-KADANG KAU BESAR KEPALA TAKNAK TERIMA KEKALAHAN SAMPAI AKU KENA MENGALAH AND MINTA MAAF EVEN AKU RASA BUKAN SALAH AKU PUN??!

Sorry, but this time. I am so done. I am not going to apologize for something that I don't feel wrong at all. Yes, it's true that truth hurts sometimes but that what will build you. So that you know, that you hurt someone and it is not okay for you to be hurt just because you know that you've already hurt someone.

Flunk

I just flunk my paper I think. And I can't seem to move on from it. I am still sad. And I am still want to cry. I am just, full of tears right now. I know I can do it, but I just, do not know why I did such mistakes. It was unacceptable. It was something that you know, but eventually you still do it wrong, whereas, other question you were completely blank. And the questions that you know, you still do it wrongly. I am so regretted taking this paper. At first, I knew, I can do it. But I do not know how come at the end, I did some horrible mistakes that I do not know why I did it.

Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hati aku untuk paper seterusnya. :-(

Mental Breakdown

Hi,

I'm having some sort of emotional breakdown. I feel like sleeping all day and I'm sleepy every single freaking time. I'm tired of everything.

I am just so fcking weak. How can I cried when I can't do something? Dammit, it is just one question. Kenapa nak emo sangat. Kenapa nak nangis? Damn.

And you fckin ruined my mood. Orang dah tanya jawablah betul2. Memang sebelum ni orang dah cakap cakap dah pasal kita selalu berkepit ke apa. Selalu nak deny. Selalu akan cakap "pergi mampus la orang cakap apa" Sometimes I just don't fckin understand apa dalam otak you.

For damn sake, you were looking weirdly at me. Bila orang tanya kenapa tengok macam tu, your answer would be "Oh dah tak boleh tengok dah bla bla" Then takde nak minta maaf pape dah, terus tukar topik. Bila aku tanya kenapa kenapa, kau start nak marah marah aku semua. Kau fikir aku takde perasaan. Pastu kau akan cakap "you je ada perasaan aliya, you je semua boleh, you ungkit" Damn, semua salah aku balik. Bagus. Dah memang biasa gila dah rasa aku semua benda salah ni. Dah immune dah pun.

Aku nak cakap dekat kau pasal mesti orang selalu tengok kan kita together bla bla pun aku kena fikir sejuta kali. Fckin sejuta kali. Nak kena susun ayat bagai so that kau faham dengan jelas dan terima dan tak marah aku, tapi end up macam tu jugak. Kau still nak marah marah aku. eeei stressnya aku. 

Aku paling sakit hati bila aku tanya kenapa dia cakap you layan i lain. Lain macam mana. Kalau kau taktahu, kau cakap je kau taktahu. Kau takyah nak jerit dan marah aku dan cakap "Mana lah I tau" Why can't you just tell me that you don't know? Why do you need to be angry? TAK FAHAM BETULLAH!!!!

Pastu cakap aku tak betul????????????????????????? Sebab aku gatal dahi kau cakap aku tak betul?? Apa kata ubah sikit cara percakapan tu. Jangan nak keluarkan kata-kata yang JAHAT sangat. Memang "Gila" tu dah sinonim dengan mulut kau. Aku memang dah hari hari kena perkataan gila dengan kau. Macam benda yang tak sepatutnya pun kau cakap aku gila. Macam tak pernah fikir pun perasaan aku bila kau cakap aku macam tu. Damn.

Screwed.

I think I'm screwed.

I've totally out of money. My life such a mess. And I am full of anger.
What should I do?

I hate money. I hate my life. I think I'm having some sort of mental disruption.

I've lost my self confidence, also sometimes, I felt so insecure. Like everything is so wrong. I don't feel posting my selfie, cause I feel that it wasnt good enough. I can't tweet, because I think my grammar is wrong and people judging me.

I think, there is something wrong with me.

Sometimes, I feel so nervous. I'm not doing anything yet I am so nervous.

I've always feel this unknown jealousy.

Patience.

Hi,

Patience?

What is actually patience? Haha, I dont think I used to have one. Well, I need to have it now since a lot of people keep pissing me off. From friends to unknown people. God, what the hell is wrong with all of you people?

I know I can be such a pain the ass sometimes, but I know I can do some jobs independently. If you can't be a leader, do not volunteer to be one. DO NOT! Do you know why I said so? Because, if you're giving problems to other people. You do not care a freaking damn thing about this project, and then when I asked you, you will act like a leader. Buat meeting bagai. Tolonglah. Jangan nak buat macam kau buat banyak kerja sangat cause as far as I can say, you did a little bit more than just any other bureau did.

Nak minta tolong call pun boleh cakap "biro pa & logistik buat apa, suruh diaorang la call"

Nak minta tolong update blog "biro multimedia buat apa, suruh diorang update"

Damn, I can do all their job and I am the freaking timbalan if you knew, since for the first time we did this organisation, you do not even know what kind of jawatan everyone dapat. Even proposal, every single things I did it, you just need to freaking fill the freaking damn things, and yet you still asked me how to do it. Tolong lah jangan nak bagi alasan phone rosak ke apa ke. Effort. FREAKING EFFORT MY DEAR!

Phone rosak? Tell us. Or tell me, or tell anyone so that we know. And we know how to update you or apa ke. Or kalau rasa bertanggungjawab sangat, do freaking something about the damn final report, and update one of us so that kitaorang boleh update the rest. I don't know, I should be angry ke apa, because the anger in me, longgggg gone. And I just don't know what to feel anymore. 

And you told me, whatsapp rosak, tak boleh guna, boleh telegram je. But did you reply my latest message at the damn telegram? No?

What really pissed me off was when I wasnt being update about any meeting. About any details. I don't even have a clue that they would give us money. And you would say, "taktahu ke, ingatkan tahu" Damn, you knew well that I didnt go to the first class. How would I know. 

Truthfully, I don't even want to pick a fight or what, but please. Minta tolong sangat, bagi la kerjasama. Tolong lah jangan buat orang rasa macam ni. I don't know about you with other friends, or apa. Please lah, ni masuk pointer kot. Tak faham kenapa nak buat acuh tak acuh macam ni, as if benda ni tak penting pun. You've hurt me. Kata kawan, kata geng, but I don't really feel as one.

He.

And today he asked me,

"Do you love me?" "Ye" "but you dont seem so" "sebab you sakitkan hati i" "mcm mana?" "In all ways"

And when I told him in what ways like how he did the stone face when im talking to him. And whenever I talked he would turn his face away and act like he didnt care. Also, whenever I talked, he would say "diamlah" 

And he answered "sebab you mengungkit. Klau taknak tolong takyah tolong awal2"

Mengungkit when i told him "i datang pkul 4 lagi nak teman you" that was mengungkit for him. Now i understand. I was waiting at the dataran sains and he just passed by without saying a word then I had to go and run to him. Oh, it was my fault for not saying hi. Lupa 😅

I told him everything what make me hurt today then he just looked down, without saying anything. I dont even know if he was listening or not. I told him to look at me but he just kept quiet and looked down as if I was talking alone. He did not say a word until we reached the college. Oh well, it was okay if he didnt look at me when I was talking but when he was talking, no no you just need to look at his eyes. Because, he is the boss. You need to listen to him all the time. 

At the end, it was still my fault. Always my fault. I was the one who get blame for. Why? Because I was talking too much. And still he asked me why did I change. 

Action.

On Friday, he was hungry. And he was very angry regardless thinking how tired I am for having class that morning. He still with his Friday behavior. While eating, I was excitedly told him that I've emailed the skr by myself and with annoying face that he said "oh my god aliya" as if it was just a simple thing. What were you so excited about?

On Saturday, I was wearing a blouse which I never bring to UM. And I even wear it for the second time. I asked him "if this blouse okay?" And he told me "I've already saw you in this blouse. It is okay" I was wondering when was it and we we're arguing that he never saw me in this blouse because it was my second time wearing it. Eventually, he kept saying that he already saw me in this blouse so I just kept quiet because, he's the boss. He needs to win. 

The day after the shake incident, things were getting worse. Sometimes, I felt like I am just a doll or puppet something. That he can just throw away or take it anytime he wants. 

I guess on monday's night we're eating nasi arab. Well i was eating cause he finished earlier. Then if he said something hurtful and my face changed or what, he would say that "i am still angry and i dont forgive you yet. Remember that" then I have to let things go, and pretend like nothing happen. And do whatever he said. 

While eating last night, I was telling him how hurt my heart was when my dad didnt replied my text. "He didnt reply my text when I asked for money. He doesnt give me any money but he can just simply buy pampers and what not" then the most hurtful answer was "how do you know he was buying pampers? Amenda la you ni" with fake laugh. And I've told him "takkanla tak beli pampers, budak tu nak berak dekat mana atas katil?" Then he answered me "What if he was sleeping or buying milk?" To be honest, I was surprised. Really really shocked with his answer like I kept silent for a few mins. My brain couldnt work for awhile thinking of his answer then we talked about something else. And then I asked him "can i ask you something?" And he said what and I knew at first he thought about the topic that we spoke before this but when I asked him "why did you told me about milk and stuff. The pampers were knly example" and he laughed and said "i tau you takkan get over selagi you tak menang and tak puas hati"

And again I was shocked, that was not even an argument. I was just stating my complaint to him and what the thing I wanted to win about then? Then I've told him "it's okay. Dont even answer it" then he just kept silent until we talked about sth else. 

And at the gazebo, he was playing dumb ways in my phone and somehow he wss pushing the screen and what not. I just told him "takyahla tekan sangat screen nanti rosak" then he shut the games off and gave the phone back. 

He was laughing with his friends but when I called him, his face was turning angry all of sudden. Ive told him it was nothing then he asked again and i said nothing. And he tweeted "aku sakit hati lagi dengan kau perempuan"

Because of one mistake, he could just put all things together and can make me his puppet. And I am just his puppet. It hurts more than enough actually, and I wish my heart could grow stronger. I hope so.. 

If he reading all this, he would say that "What about my heart? Watching you shake hands with him?" 

And again if he read that one, he would say "you and your negative thought aliya. You and your judgement. You and your assumption"

And again I was the one to be blame of. Eventually it was all my fault 😔