Feelings.

Hi,

I don't know how should I start. After all these years, I thought I was fine. Sometimes, I think that I'm having some sort of mental problem. Maybe I am??

You know, what would you feel when you were the one who replies to everyone text but when you were having questions, no one replies to you. Or, when you were talking, no one give you their respond? Oh well, I've faced it everyday.

I just don't know what to feel because its your own family. Like WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU RESPOND TO ME BUT YOU CAN RESPOND TO EVERYONE ELSE??? There were only 5 people je kot dalam tu. Sigh.. Am I invisible?

Tu satu hal. Satu hal lagi, benda dekat sini. Why do you need to treat me like I have no feelings at all? Obviously, you started it first. You were the one who said "Selsema je pun, bukannya lumpuh" Just because I asked you to order the drink. Okay.... It was my fault la kot. Mengada sangat kan. HUHU. Time tu, one knife just stab me. Sokay, my fault sebab mengada kan. So I said, takpelah. I can go and order the drink by myself and asked you nak air apa. You jawab air kosong... Okay....

Second, at the counter, I've asked you AGAIN. You came to me and I asked, tapi tak jawab. Tak dengar la kot. Then terus nak pergi ke meja. So I've shouted your name several times sebab well my voice maybe slow gila nak mati sampai selalu tak dengar. Fyi, ni bukan first time tak dengar. Setiap hari tak pernah dengar apa aku cakap, maybe suara aku slow sangat la kot. Then, you dengar pastu cakap taknak air. Bila ada orang duduk tempat tu, you've blamed me. Sebab takde tempat untuk duduk. Lagi sekali, salah aku la kot. Apa la aku ni bodoh sangat tanya dia banyak kali nak air apa. Terlebih concern pun salah. HUHU.

Then dekat meja, I just want to watch the turtle's video. Then you started give me orders "Tak payah tengok. Makan dulu" HUHU. WTH. Suara kau macam kau bagi ARAHAN and aku kena ikut. Look, please stop. And please stop merajuk benda bodoh. Aku cakap benda betul, "Kenapa nak cakap macam you berkuasa?" If I can record it, memang suara kau tu suara bagi arahan. HUHU. Dah banyak kali dah kot kau suka bagi arahan macam tu. Kalau aku tak ikut, mulalah kau cakap macam-macam.

Tolonglah. I do not like being controlled. Yes you are my boyfriend, but you're not my husband yet. Some things, yes betul tutup aurat pakai handsock bla bla. That stuff. THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking a really good care of me, Menitikberatkan benda yang aku tak jaga. But truthfully, you should not expect for me to change drastically. I am a human. I don't change in a blink of an eye, Okay, ada je yang berubah sekelip mata, but that is not me. Selalu nak marah benda benda macam ni. Aku terlupa, so.. Sorry. Kenapa tak boleh nak terima sampai kena marah-marah?

And I am sorry that my family is not as rich as yours. Betul, bill aku tinggi. Takde la tinggi sangat, naik rm13 daripada basic, which makes my mum angry at me. Tapi.. kau tak faham. Aku cakap, benda betul. Memang aku call kau je. And yes, 10 saat je bercakap sebab call kau untuk kejutkan kau. Kadang-Kadang tak bercakap pun, silent macam tu je then aku letak. Aku tunggu kau whatsapp tapi kau tak whatsapp aku, makes me call you again. 10 saat lagi. Aku tak bercakap sebab aku dalam kelas. Aku letak je phone dekat tepi then call kau. I was really concern about you and your class. Is that my fault? Salah aku ke sebab concern. Even 10 saat pun, bill akan kira 1 minute sebab minimum charge is 1 mins. So kiralah berapa banyak.

Aku bagitahu kau, pasal benda ni. Pastu tiba tiba kau marah marah pastu merajuk cakap tak perlu dah call, bla bla and bla. Kenapa kau susahkan sangat nak faham? Kenapa tak faham my mum has no money to pay? Kenapa tak faham.... Salah aku ke. Ke aku yang tersalah cakap. So sebab kau merajuk bagai, then I've told my mum, it's okay then. I will pay my own bill starting from now, Sebab aku taknak mama aku marah and aku taknak kau marah and merajuk. Sigh..

Can you see? Apa lagi yang aku tak buat? Apa lagi salah aku.. It hurts me so bad bila aku call kau tak jawab, Calling you continuously for 1 hour, taktahu la berapa puluh kali tapi kau tak jawab. Tapi bila aku cakap kau marah, Kau cakap aku bodoh, reti complain but has no solution. Okay.. Aku otak kosong. Aku pernah terfikir, apa nak buat lagi. Cara apa lagi. Aku malu setiap kali kena minta tolong orang untuk kejutkan kau. Aku malu nak kena whatsapp orang lain and susahkan orang lain. Aku malu sangat. What really make me feel really really sad is that I can call you sampai 50-60 kali but you call I 3 kali je and I tak angkat. You cakap "bye" then marah I. I terkejut sangat dengan you time tu. Macam I tanya you, berapa kali you call, you cakap 3. Then bila I cakap takkanlah 3 kali dah nak marah then kau start cakap aku ungkit. Aku tak ungkit, aku cuma fikir kenapa tak adil sangat, Kenapa 3 kali kau dah nak marah? Kenapa kau tk boleh buat macam aku buat dekat kau? Fyi, aku pernah rasa nak nangis sebab aku call and call and call kau tak jawab. Aku pernah nangis sebab aku buntu sangat. Aku taktahu nak buat apa sebab nak kejutkan kau. Aku sampai nangis sebab call kau. Ada kau fikir ke pasal aku? Aku pernah call kau guna whatsapp call konon-konon nak jimatlah. 10 kali tapi tak jawab. Then aku call guna phone, baru kau jawab. So macam mana aku nak jimat?

To be honest, this is not an issue. The issue is why can't you give and take? Kenapa aku boleh buat tapi kau tak boleh buat? Yes there are things that kau buat untuk aku, yang aku memang tak boleh buat untuk kau. Macam.. belikan makanan semua sebab aku takde kenderaan. Takkanlah aku nak naik bus semata-mata untuk beli makanan. Memang 3 jam tak balik-balik lagi.

There are just so many things that I've kept inside. Like when you laugh at my questions, it hurts me so bad because it shows like "Apalah bodoh sangat soalan ni"... Okay.... Sometimes, aku rasa diri aku bodoh sangat sangat, There are just so many things that I do not know. When I saw you with your friends, and you looked so much happier than you're with me :') It's okay. As long as you are happy. And you can have multiple of female friends, tapi aku tak boleh ada kawan lelaki. Sekarang, kau rapat gila dengan semua kawan perempuan kau. You act like you know them so damn much. "Dia memang macam tu" "Dah kenal dah dengan perangai dia" "Bukak je beg, ada dekat situ tisu" And so many more. Takpe kalau kawan kau tepuk tepuk kau sebab dia yang tepuk kau. Bukan kau yang buat. Okay aku terima,

But what I don't understand is that I don't do that tapi kau selalu marah aku dulu bila kawan dengan tom??? Tom tak buat apa yang kawan kau buat sekarang, tapi tu pun kau marah gila-gila. Kenapa kalau kau boleh? Sebab kau lelaki ke? And aku tak pernah pun cakap aku kenal tom sangat. Aku tak pernah describe tom macam mana. Tapi kau buat. And aku tak marah sebab I don't deserve to be angry right?

Maybe I live in a really small circle of friends, that I've only stick to a few people. I just don't get it when I've started to have friends, kau pun start jugak cakap aku melebih.. aku tu.. aku ni.. Maybe kau suka tengok aku takde kawan, so kau tak perlu nak liar mata and marah aku. HUHU. Oops judging?! Kenapa kau boleh ada kawan tapi aku takleh ada kawan..

AND WHY DO I HAVE SUCH A MISERABLE LIFE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT HAD I DONE WRONG? KENAPA SEMUA BENDA KENA SALAH AKU? KENAPA AKU BODOH? KENAPA AKU TAK PANDAI? KENAPA SEMUA NAK KENA SALAH AKU? KENAPA AKU KENA MINTA MAAF SETIAP HARI? KENAPA KAU TAK SEDAR KADANG-KADANG KAU BESAR KEPALA TAKNAK TERIMA KEKALAHAN SAMPAI AKU KENA MENGALAH AND MINTA MAAF EVEN AKU RASA BUKAN SALAH AKU PUN??!

Sorry, but this time. I am so done. I am not going to apologize for something that I don't feel wrong at all. Yes, it's true that truth hurts sometimes but that what will build you. So that you know, that you hurt someone and it is not okay for you to be hurt just because you know that you've already hurt someone.