Mental Breakdown

Hi,

I'm having some sort of emotional breakdown. I feel like sleeping all day and I'm sleepy every single freaking time. I'm tired of everything.

I am just so fcking weak. How can I cried when I can't do something? Dammit, it is just one question. Kenapa nak emo sangat. Kenapa nak nangis? Damn.

And you fckin ruined my mood. Orang dah tanya jawablah betul2. Memang sebelum ni orang dah cakap cakap dah pasal kita selalu berkepit ke apa. Selalu nak deny. Selalu akan cakap "pergi mampus la orang cakap apa" Sometimes I just don't fckin understand apa dalam otak you.

For damn sake, you were looking weirdly at me. Bila orang tanya kenapa tengok macam tu, your answer would be "Oh dah tak boleh tengok dah bla bla" Then takde nak minta maaf pape dah, terus tukar topik. Bila aku tanya kenapa kenapa, kau start nak marah marah aku semua. Kau fikir aku takde perasaan. Pastu kau akan cakap "you je ada perasaan aliya, you je semua boleh, you ungkit" Damn, semua salah aku balik. Bagus. Dah memang biasa gila dah rasa aku semua benda salah ni. Dah immune dah pun.

Aku nak cakap dekat kau pasal mesti orang selalu tengok kan kita together bla bla pun aku kena fikir sejuta kali. Fckin sejuta kali. Nak kena susun ayat bagai so that kau faham dengan jelas dan terima dan tak marah aku, tapi end up macam tu jugak. Kau still nak marah marah aku. eeei stressnya aku. 

Aku paling sakit hati bila aku tanya kenapa dia cakap you layan i lain. Lain macam mana. Kalau kau taktahu, kau cakap je kau taktahu. Kau takyah nak jerit dan marah aku dan cakap "Mana lah I tau" Why can't you just tell me that you don't know? Why do you need to be angry? TAK FAHAM BETULLAH!!!!

Pastu cakap aku tak betul????????????????????????? Sebab aku gatal dahi kau cakap aku tak betul?? Apa kata ubah sikit cara percakapan tu. Jangan nak keluarkan kata-kata yang JAHAT sangat. Memang "Gila" tu dah sinonim dengan mulut kau. Aku memang dah hari hari kena perkataan gila dengan kau. Macam benda yang tak sepatutnya pun kau cakap aku gila. Macam tak pernah fikir pun perasaan aku bila kau cakap aku macam tu. Damn.

Screwed.

I think I'm screwed.

I've totally out of money. My life such a mess. And I am full of anger.
What should I do?

I hate money. I hate my life. I think I'm having some sort of mental disruption.

I've lost my self confidence, also sometimes, I felt so insecure. Like everything is so wrong. I don't feel posting my selfie, cause I feel that it wasnt good enough. I can't tweet, because I think my grammar is wrong and people judging me.

I think, there is something wrong with me.

Sometimes, I feel so nervous. I'm not doing anything yet I am so nervous.

I've always feel this unknown jealousy.

Patience.

Hi,

Patience?

What is actually patience? Haha, I dont think I used to have one. Well, I need to have it now since a lot of people keep pissing me off. From friends to unknown people. God, what the hell is wrong with all of you people?

I know I can be such a pain the ass sometimes, but I know I can do some jobs independently. If you can't be a leader, do not volunteer to be one. DO NOT! Do you know why I said so? Because, if you're giving problems to other people. You do not care a freaking damn thing about this project, and then when I asked you, you will act like a leader. Buat meeting bagai. Tolonglah. Jangan nak buat macam kau buat banyak kerja sangat cause as far as I can say, you did a little bit more than just any other bureau did.

Nak minta tolong call pun boleh cakap "biro pa & logistik buat apa, suruh diaorang la call"

Nak minta tolong update blog "biro multimedia buat apa, suruh diorang update"

Damn, I can do all their job and I am the freaking timbalan if you knew, since for the first time we did this organisation, you do not even know what kind of jawatan everyone dapat. Even proposal, every single things I did it, you just need to freaking fill the freaking damn things, and yet you still asked me how to do it. Tolong lah jangan nak bagi alasan phone rosak ke apa ke. Effort. FREAKING EFFORT MY DEAR!

Phone rosak? Tell us. Or tell me, or tell anyone so that we know. And we know how to update you or apa ke. Or kalau rasa bertanggungjawab sangat, do freaking something about the damn final report, and update one of us so that kitaorang boleh update the rest. I don't know, I should be angry ke apa, because the anger in me, longgggg gone. And I just don't know what to feel anymore. 

And you told me, whatsapp rosak, tak boleh guna, boleh telegram je. But did you reply my latest message at the damn telegram? No?

What really pissed me off was when I wasnt being update about any meeting. About any details. I don't even have a clue that they would give us money. And you would say, "taktahu ke, ingatkan tahu" Damn, you knew well that I didnt go to the first class. How would I know. 

Truthfully, I don't even want to pick a fight or what, but please. Minta tolong sangat, bagi la kerjasama. Tolong lah jangan buat orang rasa macam ni. I don't know about you with other friends, or apa. Please lah, ni masuk pointer kot. Tak faham kenapa nak buat acuh tak acuh macam ni, as if benda ni tak penting pun. You've hurt me. Kata kawan, kata geng, but I don't really feel as one.