Mental Breakdown

Hi,

I'm having some sort of emotional breakdown. I feel like sleeping all day and I'm sleepy every single freaking time. I'm tired of everything.

I am just so fcking weak. How can I cried when I can't do something? Dammit, it is just one question. Kenapa nak emo sangat. Kenapa nak nangis? Damn.

And you fckin ruined my mood. Orang dah tanya jawablah betul2. Memang sebelum ni orang dah cakap cakap dah pasal kita selalu berkepit ke apa. Selalu nak deny. Selalu akan cakap "pergi mampus la orang cakap apa" Sometimes I just don't fckin understand apa dalam otak you.

For damn sake, you were looking weirdly at me. Bila orang tanya kenapa tengok macam tu, your answer would be "Oh dah tak boleh tengok dah bla bla" Then takde nak minta maaf pape dah, terus tukar topik. Bila aku tanya kenapa kenapa, kau start nak marah marah aku semua. Kau fikir aku takde perasaan. Pastu kau akan cakap "you je ada perasaan aliya, you je semua boleh, you ungkit" Damn, semua salah aku balik. Bagus. Dah memang biasa gila dah rasa aku semua benda salah ni. Dah immune dah pun.

Aku nak cakap dekat kau pasal mesti orang selalu tengok kan kita together bla bla pun aku kena fikir sejuta kali. Fckin sejuta kali. Nak kena susun ayat bagai so that kau faham dengan jelas dan terima dan tak marah aku, tapi end up macam tu jugak. Kau still nak marah marah aku. eeei stressnya aku. 

Aku paling sakit hati bila aku tanya kenapa dia cakap you layan i lain. Lain macam mana. Kalau kau taktahu, kau cakap je kau taktahu. Kau takyah nak jerit dan marah aku dan cakap "Mana lah I tau" Why can't you just tell me that you don't know? Why do you need to be angry? TAK FAHAM BETULLAH!!!!

Pastu cakap aku tak betul????????????????????????? Sebab aku gatal dahi kau cakap aku tak betul?? Apa kata ubah sikit cara percakapan tu. Jangan nak keluarkan kata-kata yang JAHAT sangat. Memang "Gila" tu dah sinonim dengan mulut kau. Aku memang dah hari hari kena perkataan gila dengan kau. Macam benda yang tak sepatutnya pun kau cakap aku gila. Macam tak pernah fikir pun perasaan aku bila kau cakap aku macam tu. Damn.

Screwed.

I think I'm screwed.

I've totally out of money. My life such a mess. And I am full of anger.
What should I do?

I hate money. I hate my life. I think I'm having some sort of mental disruption.

I've lost my self confidence, also sometimes, I felt so insecure. Like everything is so wrong. I don't feel posting my selfie, cause I feel that it wasnt good enough. I can't tweet, because I think my grammar is wrong and people judging me.

I think, there is something wrong with me.

Sometimes, I feel so nervous. I'm not doing anything yet I am so nervous.

I've always feel this unknown jealousy.

Patience.

Hi,

Patience?

What is actually patience? Haha, I dont think I used to have one. Well, I need to have it now since a lot of people keep pissing me off. From friends to unknown people. God, what the hell is wrong with all of you people?

I know I can be such a pain the ass sometimes, but I know I can do some jobs independently. If you can't be a leader, do not volunteer to be one. DO NOT! Do you know why I said so? Because, if you're giving problems to other people. You do not care a freaking damn thing about this project, and then when I asked you, you will act like a leader. Buat meeting bagai. Tolonglah. Jangan nak buat macam kau buat banyak kerja sangat cause as far as I can say, you did a little bit more than just any other bureau did.

Nak minta tolong call pun boleh cakap "biro pa & logistik buat apa, suruh diaorang la call"

Nak minta tolong update blog "biro multimedia buat apa, suruh diorang update"

Damn, I can do all their job and I am the freaking timbalan if you knew, since for the first time we did this organisation, you do not even know what kind of jawatan everyone dapat. Even proposal, every single things I did it, you just need to freaking fill the freaking damn things, and yet you still asked me how to do it. Tolong lah jangan nak bagi alasan phone rosak ke apa ke. Effort. FREAKING EFFORT MY DEAR!

Phone rosak? Tell us. Or tell me, or tell anyone so that we know. And we know how to update you or apa ke. Or kalau rasa bertanggungjawab sangat, do freaking something about the damn final report, and update one of us so that kitaorang boleh update the rest. I don't know, I should be angry ke apa, because the anger in me, longgggg gone. And I just don't know what to feel anymore. 

And you told me, whatsapp rosak, tak boleh guna, boleh telegram je. But did you reply my latest message at the damn telegram? No?

What really pissed me off was when I wasnt being update about any meeting. About any details. I don't even have a clue that they would give us money. And you would say, "taktahu ke, ingatkan tahu" Damn, you knew well that I didnt go to the first class. How would I know. 

Truthfully, I don't even want to pick a fight or what, but please. Minta tolong sangat, bagi la kerjasama. Tolong lah jangan buat orang rasa macam ni. I don't know about you with other friends, or apa. Please lah, ni masuk pointer kot. Tak faham kenapa nak buat acuh tak acuh macam ni, as if benda ni tak penting pun. You've hurt me. Kata kawan, kata geng, but I don't really feel as one.

He.

And today he asked me,

"Do you love me?" "Ye" "but you dont seem so" "sebab you sakitkan hati i" "mcm mana?" "In all ways"

And when I told him in what ways like how he did the stone face when im talking to him. And whenever I talked he would turn his face away and act like he didnt care. Also, whenever I talked, he would say "diamlah" 

And he answered "sebab you mengungkit. Klau taknak tolong takyah tolong awal2"

Mengungkit when i told him "i datang pkul 4 lagi nak teman you" that was mengungkit for him. Now i understand. I was waiting at the dataran sains and he just passed by without saying a word then I had to go and run to him. Oh, it was my fault for not saying hi. Lupa 😅

I told him everything what make me hurt today then he just looked down, without saying anything. I dont even know if he was listening or not. I told him to look at me but he just kept quiet and looked down as if I was talking alone. He did not say a word until we reached the college. Oh well, it was okay if he didnt look at me when I was talking but when he was talking, no no you just need to look at his eyes. Because, he is the boss. You need to listen to him all the time. 

At the end, it was still my fault. Always my fault. I was the one who get blame for. Why? Because I was talking too much. And still he asked me why did I change. 

Action.

On Friday, he was hungry. And he was very angry regardless thinking how tired I am for having class that morning. He still with his Friday behavior. While eating, I was excitedly told him that I've emailed the skr by myself and with annoying face that he said "oh my god aliya" as if it was just a simple thing. What were you so excited about?

On Saturday, I was wearing a blouse which I never bring to UM. And I even wear it for the second time. I asked him "if this blouse okay?" And he told me "I've already saw you in this blouse. It is okay" I was wondering when was it and we we're arguing that he never saw me in this blouse because it was my second time wearing it. Eventually, he kept saying that he already saw me in this blouse so I just kept quiet because, he's the boss. He needs to win. 

The day after the shake incident, things were getting worse. Sometimes, I felt like I am just a doll or puppet something. That he can just throw away or take it anytime he wants. 

I guess on monday's night we're eating nasi arab. Well i was eating cause he finished earlier. Then if he said something hurtful and my face changed or what, he would say that "i am still angry and i dont forgive you yet. Remember that" then I have to let things go, and pretend like nothing happen. And do whatever he said. 

While eating last night, I was telling him how hurt my heart was when my dad didnt replied my text. "He didnt reply my text when I asked for money. He doesnt give me any money but he can just simply buy pampers and what not" then the most hurtful answer was "how do you know he was buying pampers? Amenda la you ni" with fake laugh. And I've told him "takkanla tak beli pampers, budak tu nak berak dekat mana atas katil?" Then he answered me "What if he was sleeping or buying milk?" To be honest, I was surprised. Really really shocked with his answer like I kept silent for a few mins. My brain couldnt work for awhile thinking of his answer then we talked about something else. And then I asked him "can i ask you something?" And he said what and I knew at first he thought about the topic that we spoke before this but when I asked him "why did you told me about milk and stuff. The pampers were knly example" and he laughed and said "i tau you takkan get over selagi you tak menang and tak puas hati"

And again I was shocked, that was not even an argument. I was just stating my complaint to him and what the thing I wanted to win about then? Then I've told him "it's okay. Dont even answer it" then he just kept silent until we talked about sth else. 

And at the gazebo, he was playing dumb ways in my phone and somehow he wss pushing the screen and what not. I just told him "takyahla tekan sangat screen nanti rosak" then he shut the games off and gave the phone back. 

He was laughing with his friends but when I called him, his face was turning angry all of sudden. Ive told him it was nothing then he asked again and i said nothing. And he tweeted "aku sakit hati lagi dengan kau perempuan"

Because of one mistake, he could just put all things together and can make me his puppet. And I am just his puppet. It hurts more than enough actually, and I wish my heart could grow stronger. I hope so.. 

If he reading all this, he would say that "What about my heart? Watching you shake hands with him?" 

And again if he read that one, he would say "you and your negative thought aliya. You and your judgement. You and your assumption"

And again I was the one to be blame of. Eventually it was all my fault 😔

Heartbreak 💔

He would say I dont deserve to talk about heartbreak bcause he is the one who having it right now. But does that mean, my heart doest matter anymore? For this past 4 days, he acted like he could do anything to me. Like, anything. He could do his annoying face to me whenever I talked to him about simple things. He could just say anything that he wanted to. But when I'm getting a little bit angry or sulk and what not, he would tell me "I'm still angry and I dont forgive you yet" that was his reason all the time and I couldnt do anything. I have no power. I'm useless. 

There were so many hurtful words, hurtful action but I was there, keeping my mouth shut because I was the one who made the biggest mistake. And since then, my heart was no longer important. Every love words were no longer getting replied. And I had to take everything inside. Keeping everything and bursting it out every night with tears because only tears could make me feel better 😞

Mistake.

Maybe I just can't let this inside for too long. He was there all the time, undeniable. Through thick and thin, up and down. With me all the time. 

On saturday, we went out with Tom, and then we met Puteri at KLCC. So while eating at Benz, Puteri told us Andrew was on his way. When he reached our table, he just put his hand right in front of me. I was stuck for a few mins, and I'm telling you it was an awkward situation. I mean he can just pull out his hand, instead he just put his hand like that waiting. And I dont know why, maybe bcause he wss waiting for too long then I decided to shake his hand. But not that long, just for a second. And then I kept quiet for the whole conversation bcause I knew Afiq was furious. I can see through his eyes. And I dont know why he didnt see how serba salah I am. Even Tom can see it and he told us about it but still he can't accept it. It is just the way he is. 

The next day, I was having fever. A really bad one I guess bcause I was throwing up and having headache and stuff. Luckily, he was there all the time. So I thought we were fine but apparently we were not. He kept telling me, he could not still forget the image in his head. I could not blame him either. And I asked him how long it's going to take, and he answered until the image was gone. Which I think going to take forever. He said taking care of me was only one of his responsibilities. I'm not blaming him to not forgive me, but even Puteri touch him, even Nadia also. And I didnt even say a word because I couldn't. My complain to him was just a trash. I couldn't say anything.